I didn’t want to take this train… God knows how much I fought not to take it. I am an observer and I noticed the ADULT world since I was a kid. I promised to myself a long time ago that there is no way in hell I am going to take this train: ADULTS train.
Normal children were playing, I was observing the adults. And here I am not talking only about my parents, it would be a mistake to make a conclusion about such a big subject only by looking at your own parents. No… I took notes in my mind about their relatives, teachers, parents of other colleagues, complete strangers I was seeing on the street…really. I observed every adult life gave me the chance to meet. And I’ve seen a few since I had the chance to travel in other countries too when I was a student. Different cultures, but same patterns.
Some seemed very angry, some hopeless, some disappointed in others, some in a constant denial, some just tired of their life, but obliged to move on, but too few adults were content about it or really happy. For some couples, this world was about surviving in two, for singles was a relief, but not necessary easier to bear the loneliness… all in all, I didn’t see why would anybody say YES to this world. I didn’t see anyone saying with his heart open: hell ya, I like being an ADULT!
So I didn’t want to get in this train…the most difficult 5 years of my life… to cross over this bridge between my own world and the adult world. But I was forced to. I met a man who brought me a lot of joy, but also a lot of pain too and by the time I was realizing what was happening with me he pushed me into this train. Practically he did exactly the same thing a parent would do to his child when this one refuses to go to school, but still wants to play.
There was no time to play anymore… there was no time to keep my naivety… it could have harmed me in the near future, if I had kept it… he just forced me to take this journey with this train: ADULTS TRAIN. And he didn’t even get in the same train. He waved his hand, smiled at me and left me there. Sometimes, I am upset he did that… I am upset he opened my eyes so brutally… I am upset he left me alone.
There is nothing sadder or more stupid than being an adult; a child with money… even if I learned how to protect myself from their lack of love, which they somehow left it on that platform, probably before taking the same train I took, they frighten me. ADULTS scare the crap out of me! Actually, they scare the child in me, because I became a hell of an adult and that one is not afraid of these assholes I see in this world, women or men… I’ve learned to fight, I’ve learned when to act with diplomacy, when to take out my sword and just fight to death with this bunch of poor assholes, with no trace of love in their heart, not even for their selves. I’ve learned HOW NOT TO LOVE.
I became a responsible adult, respecting the laws, going to work, making money, raising my kid as well as I can. I am independent, I am strong, I find a solution to the problems that I have, I learned how to receive help (that was a hard one)…hell…all in all… I simulate the adult role better than I ever simulated an orgasm. At the end of the day the adult in me has the same empty feeling a woman has after a fake orgasm. As an ADULT, I don t have peace of mind. I constantly worry for something. I constantly need to protect myself and my kid for some asshole who looks at me, sees my face which still looks very childish sometimes and imagines that he could use that against me and do whatever he wants to do with me.
Such a waste of energy and love to be an ADULT… I swear! It doesn’t worth it at all to be one. But then… from time to time I let the child in me to express himself… I let him do whatever he wants to do, I go with the love flow, I don’t fight against it like an ADULT would do, and I make such stupid things, that even my daughter would laugh about them, but it feels GOD DAMN GOOD afterward! Like a warm sunshine in an autumn day, like a rainbow after a summer storm… that’s the moment when I feel peace of mind! When I feel happy! When I don’t worry about anything. When I don’t feel any pain, sadness or God knows what else ADULTS feel because of their stupid ego or fears they have…
Noticing the valuable advantage that I have, I started to be grateful to this Universe for every single thing I have in my life. And I’m like a magnet to people who wanted for such a long time to act like silly children too, but they didn’t know how to do that in the ADULT world… seeing the naughty, “conspiracy” smile I have, they also relax and open their selves up. And that’s magical, because there is nothing more beautiful on this planet than the childish smile on an ADULT face.
As for me… I still believe in LOVE and it’s POWER… I still believe in her tricks to bring people together and touch their heart, even if many fight against it or deny it. Those will be forever just shadows on this earth.
I CHOOSE TO BE MAD, SAD OR HAPPY IF THIS IS HOW I FEEL THE NEED TO BE, I CHOOSE TO SMILE OR CRY, I CHOOSE TO BE ME: A SILLY GIRL, WITH SILLY DREAMS, I CHOOSE LOVE… till death will do me and this ADULT world part…
I CHOOSE LOVE…