… coming up soon… 🙂
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you… it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
“I enjoyed watching him taking his shirt off his pants… just on a side… I think it was on the left side… before having sex… it was a simple gesture, I don’t think he even realized it and yet I really liked it… I liked WATCHING him! Like you watch a beautiful painting in a museum where the only witness to the scene is only your body… your eyes… I knew what’s about to come, but I knew also that there was still a long way until there… so I watched… he wanted me to watch him… I liked the confidence in his wild eyes while he did that… I liked his almost lazy, but so well calculated moves while he was looking for the bottle of wine… that God damn bottle of wine… white wine… he was walking slowly through the room like a king walking through his kingdom and put some music… but…you know?! Who cared about the wine? Who cared about the music? I was keep looking shamelessly at his ass! Do you understand me? His ASS!
And you know… this moment is for many others like playing a role in a silly romantic movie… for him? It was in his nature… only if you looked at his moves, you could have seen that he was enjoying it… he enjoyed making me wait for him… I don’t wait for anybody… I don’t have to! I don’t like waiting! I hate waiting! But with him? I don’t know… it was different… I was struggling in that moment of passion and desire and lust…and yet, I really enjoyed it… and he didn’t even seem to see the fire burning inside of me… that focused he was on HIM… and yet, he knew it… he knew it that I was crazy about him. And he was enjoying that!
What can I say? I liked many things about him… do you have an entire day? Cause you’ll need time to listen to me… the guy knew exactly what he was doing. We both knew actually. And we willingly let ourselves become one of each other’s victim, even if we both knew that that means trouble. Big trouble!“
“I see! So… then… what went wrong? I don’t get it… cause you seem… perfect for each other, if you ask me. You’re both fucking crazy!”
The girl with big brown eyes looked at me and she smiled. Oh, her smile! I’ll never forget the smile she had on her face in that moment. That kind of smile that makes you doubt she ever suffered any pain or shed a tear in this story. That kind of smile that makes you wonder what in the God’s name is hidden in it… an angel? Or a demon?
“Well… he was on a mission. One with very clear objectives. I was not. He had a plan. I had not. I played like having a plan. He played like not having one. In the end, we both lost the game and hurt each other. Badly. We got… burned!”
“Aaa I see… so… you’re both idiots, not crazy!”
<The girl started to laugh out loud> “You could say that, yeah!”
“But let me ask you something: do you have any regrets?”
“That we both in the end made completely different life choices?”
The girl took a moment to think about the question I just put to her… took a sip of her hot chocolate and then she said:
“I have absolutely no regrets when it comes to the paths we went on and I am grateful to God for this miracle of life he made possible to happen. I am really happy for him and for me also. Future keeps knocking at my door. Every day. Every day is a new day to be grateful for everything I did with my life since we broke up. (small pause) … and I knew he will eventually put his shit together too, cut the crap and act like a responsible adult…”
“But I do miss his ass!!!!!! A loooooooot!!!!!”
We both started to laugh… really loud… people were staring at us wondering probably what kind of devil is possessing us, but we let ourselves go… we didn’t care… we were laughing with our body and souls and that was all it mattered… she definitely knew how to find the positive in an apparently negative situation and I remember I told to myself:
“Damn! This girl is crazy! She is definitely crazy! But in a very nice way!” 🙂
“So… how are you?”
“No… really… how are YOU?”
A moment of silence… she was bored to hear the same question… she didn’t even want to try to think about it. Why shouldn’t she be alright after all? Everything happened exactly like she felt it is going to happen. One more time she was… RIGHT in everything she felt. It’s hard to be surprised in any way after everything she saw, lived by now.
“I’m happy… I’m really happy for him! I always knew that this is what he was looking for. It just happened that I couldn’t give it to him. That’s it! I’m not saying that I didn’t wish it had been different, but it is not. It was always a timing issue and that has nothing to do with love…not from my side, at least… let’s say, it was a journey issue… different type of life map…”
“Wait a minute… love? Journey?! Map? What the hell are you talking about? How can you still talk about love here? He doesn’t deserve it. Are you blind? Don’t you see what a coward he is to act the way he did? What a piece of shit he is? Manipulative son of a bitch! If I were you, I would… damn!!! Geeezz!! I am so angry and it is you who should have been angry, not me!! How can you be so calm… so ZEN!!?? I feel sick in my stomach only thinking about it!”
The girl looked at her friend and smiled…
Silence again: “How could I explain to another human being the only thing on this planet that can’t be explain? No matter how many times quantum physics or other sciences tried to do so? There is no god damn explanation. Facts make sense. Brain makes sense. Heart doesn’t…”
She didn’t finish her thought. It was a sunny day. Cold, but sunny. It was for the first time when winter didn’t bring her any bad news or to her fragile, but healthy body like it used to do. She was enjoying it. She didn’t feel the cold outside.
Just when she was getting ready to say something to her friend who was obviously more irritated by the situation itself than her, her mobile phone made a small sound. She checked the message and started to smile.
“Is it him? Cause if it is him, give me the phone! I know what to tell to this asshole!! You were way too kind with this guy. Harmony my ass! Give me the phone! Is it him?”
The girl with big brown eyes started to laugh loud… she put her phone in her pocket and then her arm on her friend’s shoulder:
“No…it’s not him! It’s the future! Come! Let’s have a hot chocolate. It’s on me!”
“Wow… that was quite an entry!”
He smiled, looking at her with his blue eyes straight into her big, chocolate eyes.
“You think so?”
“Oh…I really think it…so, YES!” He measured her from head to toes. It was obvious that he was enjoying the view and while she was looking for the handsome guy who was supposed to serve the drinks that night, she answered to the man standing right next to her:
“I think you are heading to a dangerous place. And it would not be fair from my side not to tell it to you!” she gave him a big, naughty smile, looked at the barman who just came to take her order and she said continuing to smile: “Martini, please!” The barman smiled also at her and he started to prepare her Martini. Dry, garnished with 2 olives.
He must have been around 50 years old or something. He was tall, with a perfect haircut for his oval shape face and he was wearing an extremely good perfume. His smiling blue eyes with thin wrinkles around them seemed to be drawn. She couldn’t say what shape his nose had, but it inspired masculinity to her. His lips were making the perfect call for a soft and yet wild “kiss touch” in the middle of an almost dark, but still very colorful room.
“He has beautiful hands!” she said to herself while she was getting ready to sip from her Martini.
“Eeeee… ntz ntz ntz… these young beauties!! Always in a rush!Spoiling the magic of such an unique moment!”, he said to her, nodding his head and then he added:
“To this charming, beautiful night! To… you!” He raised his glass of wine and she did the same with her glass of Martini. It was a moment. Few seconds actually. She looked him straight into his eyes, then his lips, then again into his eyes and she felt strange. Desire! She felt how it was growing inside of her like the flames of a not yet burning fire and for a second she wished the room was not full of those people.
“Cheers!” she heard herself saying and while sipping from her Martini, she kept looking into his eyes. He did the same and then he said “You should not be allowed to walk around like a wild lioness that you are, scratching the hearts of poor men only with this look of yours and your body … oh…ggggggg… your body… each time I see you, I look at you and say to myself : I wish she had been mine! At least once!”
She started to laugh.
“Don’t laugh! I’m serious! You break my heart! Each time I look at you!” She laughed even louder.
The DJ changed the song and that made her stop laughing, but start moving slowly her hips.
He left his head on one side to admire her, he bit his lower lip and smiled at her. He took then her glass of Martini and put it on the bar, right next to his glass of wine and then he said:
“Cmon! At least dance for me tonight!”
She smiled back at him and while her hips seemed to describe clouds on a blue, clear sky, she raised one by one her hands in the air, closed her eyes and started to dance.
The lyrics were like a pray…
“Life is not easy, but if you follow its signs it could be an extremely beautiful journey.”
“You really believe this bullshit or you are just saying it to comfort me?”
“Actually I do! And start listening each day to the music you feel like listening it to. You will be amazed what kind of messages, wishes and dreams are being hidden inside of you.”
The girl with big brown eyes smiled at her friend and gave her a warm hug.
“Silly girl! Ok… enough… you are going to make me blush. I’ll go now. Will keep in my mind what you told me. You should have been a psychologist or something. I swear! You manage to see some things that I don’t even see and he is my husband! Isn’t that funny?”
The friend gave her a last embrace and left.
It was pretty chilly. The sun seemed to have changed its color. It wasn’t better or worse. It was just… different. The girl closed the window with the view to the garden and went to make herself a hot tea. What a wonderful feeling to be “HOME” again!
She checked her phone… silence… no missed calls, no text messages. And still HE was THERE. He was still part of it. After so many years, he was still a constant presence in her heart.
That kind of presence that makes your smile brighter in a silent afternoon just by thinking about HIM, that brings you peace in your daily stresful thoughts, that makes you feel special and brave cause you didn’t give it up, cause you trust that things are always coming on their way, if you let yourself go with the flow. The kind of presence you would like to have it THERE for the rest of your life, cause it gives you strength and makes you weak in the same time. That kind of presence that you feel you can’t take any longer without it and yet you are waiting patiently the moment when both your energies would align and make it one… another one… that kind of presence that makes you say Good bye! just to have the chance to say Hello! again. That kind of presence that makes you think that getting old is not such a bad idea after all, if it’s with HIM you are doing it. It will be fun anyway, so who cares about some wrinkles?
She closed her eyes for a short moment and took a deep breathe.
“Life is indeed a wonderful journey” she said to herself and took a sip of her tea.
It was autumn again.