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You lose control… you lose it and you don’t know what to do with it… with that “humiliating” feeling of being needy, desperate, confused and angry… angry with yourself that you allowed this to happen one more time, even if you promised to yourself once that you won’t ever do it again… angry with the one that made it seem possible when it was not… angry with Gods because they played with you one more time…

And you are tempted… you are so tempted to take the worst out of you and hit… so you do it… because you like how it feels. Sarcasm, black humor, meanness… you take them all and throw them like arrows hoping they’ll hit the target deep, so it can feel your pain… or at least a part of it…  only when you get tired of this, you take your last card and put it on the table… the table of love… there where you both played the biggest game of your life and you both lost… and you do that with a freak smile knowing from the beginning that there was no way to win anyway… not this time!

But you both played. Oh!!… Sir, yes, Sir!! You played till the end… and you enjoyed it… with all the ups and downs… with all the struggle… with all the effort and work you had to do for that, you played it till the end… you went the entire way just to get there… to THE END… an end that doesn’t bring you the peace and silence they are talking about it in fairy tales with princes and princesses, but on the contrary…

There is no “they lived happily ever after”… there is nothing to prove that it was good and it was true… there is no sign that the dream was real… there is no witness to the battle you both had to take to get there… there is nothing you can touch… there is nothing you can see with your eyes…

But only a painful question… “WHY?”

And you start to laugh like a freak again… you knew you’ll get there, you knew that it was stronger than you, no matter how much you’ve learned from the past… you knew that you would stand no chance and still you’ve accepted the challenge… you knew it would bring you down harder than the time before and still you wanted to do it. So you can start to blame yourself all over again… for being so weak, for not being careful enough… but that will bring you even more pain and an acute feeling of desperation… a vicious circle…

So stand still… breathe deep and close your eyes… close your eyes, but open your heart… and you’ll see: it knows better WHY…

eyes closed

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