“I can’t do this! I just can’t! If he doesn’t see it, if he doesn’t feel it, I can’t do anything else for him”, she said shaking her head as if her body and mind were trying to cover the voice of her soul… a gigantic struggle with only a winner who in the end would have taken all… She was beautiful.
“What did you do for him? Maybe he believes that you did nothing… absolutely nothing… On the contrary, you left. That is a bit hard for a man to accept… especially for such an egotistical man”, I said looking into her sad, wet eyes..
“What? Are you serious? Can you really think that? How can you even say it out loud? After everything that happened? Are you crazy? What about the last years? Were they in my imagination or what? I’ve done everything I could just to be closer to him… I risked everything for him… just to show him the LIGHT… just to make him feel LOVE… and nothing… he is running away… he is the one hiding from me… he is the one who is killing everything, not me… I didn’t kill anything… In all this crazy story, I had only one shot and that one was to leave”.
She stood up and went a bit away from me, being afraid not to say anything else that she would have regretted later… She turned her back to me and I saw how she covered her mouth with the palm of her right hand. I don’t know why, but I had the feeling she was doing that as if she was trying to stop the words coming out of her mouth.
I felt guilty to bring all her pain once again out… but I felt this was the right moment to do it… I knew she was strong enough to face everything: her pain, her hidden feelings, her anger, her disappointment, but most of all, her fear… her fear that she lost him for good…
She turned back, she looked into my eyes, letting her tears falling down on her cheeks and she said: “I could have given him everything he needed, I could have loved him more and more… I know I could have… I’ve never felt this way before… no man had ever had the chance to see all of me in such a short time… I never had this weird feeling that I could read somebody’s minds, or that he could read my minds as he would be me and me him… I could have waited for him, but the place he took me was too dark, too dirty, I didn’t see anything, I couldn’t breathe anymore, I didn’t see the way out… I’ve tried to go after him, I really tried, and all this time I was finding him, I didn’t know that I was lost too…. and you know?!… I am not a hero…I can’t save others… I am just a girl who fell in love with a boy. That’s it! No more, no less! And I am really scared of the dark… you know that, don’t you?”
I smiled at her with love, I touched her hair with tenderness and I said : “Mmm… it smells like a wild rose!”
She raised her eyebrows and her eyes seemed to ask me “What the hell are you talking about?”, so I continued “Don’t worry. Sometimes we have only one seed which knows that in order to grow, it needs to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to reach the LIGHT… Don’t be afraid! You did exactly what was needed to be done… Cry! Your tears will nourish that seed… Smile. It will help it growing.
But keep in mind one thing only: you can’t rush the process. Don’t lose your faith though! Just be patient! Let it grow! Give it time! And most of all, don’t stop your life here! Breathe the fresh air of the summer mornings, enjoy the smell of the early autumn flowers, keep your mind, body and soul warm in all those cold winter days, feel the life and listen the music of the trees at the beginning of a new spring… but don’t forget: where there is smoke, soon it will be fire… where there is a seed of real love, sooner or later there will be a life also… no matter how hard the outside conditions are, no matter how much your mind tells you that nothing will come out of this, don’t lose your faith! It could be the worst time of your life. But don’t! Just let it be and you’ll see: a new life will begin!”