100 steps of HEALING

@to whom it might concern because we all have been there… you are not ALONE!

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention, so you can change your life…

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A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

  1. At first you see him and for some weird reason you feel really drawn to that person
  2. You decide to approach him
  3. You start the conversation and you immediately have a weird feeling which is something like “Where is this guy coming from? Who is he?”
  4. …you soon realize that the guy has nothing to do with what you actually THINK a guy should act or be.
  5. And yet the attraction you feel for him?!… amazing, strong connection
  6. Wild passionate SEX phase
  7. Weird feeling of being HOME or something…
  8. A very weird rejection and feeling uncomfortable right after that
  9. And yet…
  10. Ok…let’s try again!
  11. SEX…Damn it!! Is he a SEX God or something?
  12. Starting a fight, no matter which the topic might be, but still feeling a strong desire for him. Addiction phase.
  13. Mind is taking control: this is bullshit, he brings out all the pain or each of any wounds I have ever hidden. Fuck that shit! I ain’t gonna face that. Too painful.
  14. The nasty breakup
  15. Almost going insane because of the pain of actually losing him. I need his love to heal my pain. God damn it! I need him so much!
  16. Nothing works to heal
  17. Let’s put the pain back under the rug. Maybe it will be gone. Being sarcastic and acting crazy. The pain still feels so real!
  18. Fuck, it doesn’t work!
  19. You know his presence and words are like cutting swords in your heart and yet, like a miserable slave of your own pain, you go back to him… to beg for forgiveness and understanding?
  20. Waves of rage and anger from his side, feeling probably extremely offended by your attitude.
  21. You are blaming him for everything
  22. Him blaming you for everything
  23. What a fucking bullshit! Fuck that shit! I ain’t gonna speak to him ever again.
  24. He is coming back. Contacting your friends. Fucking their brains out. For some weird reason, he still feels attracted to you, but not physically this time…energetically? Again.. what the fuck???
  25. Wooww….it hurts like hell. Who the fuck needs that energetic kind of love. Fuck that shit. Block. Delete. Forget
  26. Dreams, nightmares, sleepless nights. Your body transforms and not in a very nice way. You get ill from the smallest cold, you have no lust for life and no thoughts, but an obsessive question: why the fuck it hurts so much?
  27. You look yourself in the mirror: geeez…pathetic human being!
  28. Your body finally collapses since you understood nothing until now… the Universe is giving you a final warning: face your fears, your wounds, start and heal yourself or you are going down my love!
  29. Healing? Great idea! I am in! But how?
  30. First step: get the fuck off this bed and take a shower. You fucking stink.
  31. Ok…refreshed…mirror….oh no…I am not ready yet. Eat something? Ok…will do that!
  32. Hmm…I was quite hungry actually.
  33. The sun is shining. It seems warm. Hey you! You wanna go out for a walk? (Talking to that gorgeous little princess you brought on the planet being probably the only real great thing you’ve done on this planet, reminding yourself everyday how amazing you are! )
  34. You have fun and the kid is really happy! Her smile? Her happiness? Precious! Daaamn…that is an amazing, refreshing feeling!
  35. You’re the best mommy in the entire world! Ok…you got me there! The healing is done?!
  36. Coming back to your cave! Anxiety, giant fear, stress, not being able to sleep…again. How the fuck is that possible? I had a great day!
  37. Monsters coming back from the closet.
  38. After a couple of hours of panic and painful memories about him, you hang with your finger nails on your courage, wipe those bloody tears, start to breath deep and decide “I’d be damn if I am going to live my life forever like this! Fuck this bullshit!
  39. Wiping tears, starting to write. Meditation is on. Write down all your dark, painful memories from your childhood till today…you are brilliant with processes and change management at work? Well change fucking something in you. You got this!
  40. Making a list of wounds…that equals to “identified problems”. Fuuuuuuccccccck that’s a long damn list! I am really THAT fucked up? Good…don’t panic, don’t judge yourself. Practice love. You have a kid inside, it’s your kid, and you heard what your daughter said. You are the best mommy in the world. Breathe deep. Good…let’s do that!
  41. Write down all the healthy solutions that come into your head in order to start the healing.
  42. Fuuuuck…the list is even longer than the one with problems…why do I feel like in a damn corporation or something?…ok…it looks like you’ve got some work to do girl! Suck it up and do it!
  43. Music…a looooot of music
  44. All kinds of music
  45. Smile. You’ve done great. Big step today.
  46. Now go to sleep.
  47. A new day has come: eat, smile, live. Just BE.
  48. Daughter, writing, work, music, walks in nature
  49. Repeat the cycle!! Ten thousand times.
  50. 3 Years are gone. You are doing great. You’re body recovered. You feel pretty good about yourself.
  51. A midnight dream….waking up scared: God damn it, I think I miss him.
  52. Quick: listen some meditation videos….what do the masters say? “It’s ok. It’s ok to miss him. Send him your good thoughts and leave it at that.”
  53. Done…I feel sleepy. Falling asleep again.
  54. Another day has come…and another…and another..
  55. Next step: you are ready to face the world
  56. Take out all the negative, toxic people out of your life. Especially those who betrayed, lied and back stabbed you. OUT OF THE FUCKING SIGHT. OUT OF MIND.
  57. Check the list of friends left…wow…3-4 persons maxim…ok…that’s enough
  58. Make new friends
  59. Socialize more
  60. Go out. Geeez that guy is smoking hot!!! You still have it girl! Start the hunting and have fun!
  61. A lot of FUN….
  62. Another year has gone
  63. Daaaamn…. Too many messages…these guys LOVE me? What the fuck? We just had some fun.
  64. Ok….this one I really like it. 1 year since we “play” already…he has kids! Riiiight….hnmm…I am a better person now… ok… I can do that too. Let’s pay him a visit again.
  65. 4 a.m. weird feeling that THIS IS THE DAY. You feel chills on your back not knowing if you are ready for it. You look in the mirror, you are smoking hot. Go get that guy!
  66. 7 a.m. a freaking bus at the airport….your brains are completely on fire and your heart is almost exploding!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK WAS THAT?????????
  67. Hidden thought: an opportunity to heal the last wound? Ok…Let’s talk with the guy.
  68. Very weird conversation. Why so many details about his life. I thought he hated me! Ohh…he is nervous too. Nice to see that. I can relax too.
  69. 2 long hours in the same damn airplane? Ok Universe, you owe me a God damn explanation!
  70. Get off the plane and RUN….RUN for your life! Daaamn this airport is huge. For sure I lost his track. . What a relief!
  71. Sweet mother of Jesus!!…is that him waiting for his luggage to come? Ok…act normal…act like an adult and converse again. You can do it. Remember…this is the closure you have been waiting for.
  72. He smiles. Goood…so maybe he doesn’t really hate me after all?
  73. You talk again. It feels good and nice. And yet…something is weird. Ok…end the conversation, be peaceful and say how glad you are to have met him.
  74. He doesn’t agree with the word MET…but SEEN…what the fuck??? My mind spins again. Stop that!
  75. Try to have fun with the new guy. He is hot and kind. You actually might fall in love.
  76. OOhhh noo…not that kind of discussion about feelings and where is this going…I don’t know, alright? I am not that far! I have no clue!
  77. Day 1: Romantic dinner, great weekend with his kids, hot sex…wow…that’s great! Completely forgot the other guy. Day 2: being dumped at the airport. You had as it seems something STRANGE in your eyes and he doesn’t see any point of going further…you accept with a “It’s ok!” answer his decision…he says it is not. He wants to be kissed. WHAT THE FUCK?? Is he serious? Let’s check your departure time. What an asshole! The sheets are still warm! At which fucking gate is that fucking plane? I see nothing on the ticket. My eyes are getting wet of ANGER…so humiliating… and all I can think is HIM. Bastard! HE ruined my life once again.
  78. Sitting at the airport. Having FUN sucks.
  79. Coming back to your sweet daughter. Repeat the cycle mentioned before.
  80. 7 months of lingering and holding on to the hot guy. The passion is still there…at least the virtual one. God, please help me… he is driving me crazy. But he is not THE ONE…definitely not.
  81. Final break up. Like he didn’t even exist. Fastest healing ever. Great!
  82. PAST is coming back. I met HIM on the street accidentally. Few times now. He looks healthy. Some words exchanged……beautiful child he got there… well done, papa!
  83. Wow…am I really happy for him? Not a slightest shadow of jealousy or anger that he moved on without me. Didn’t we both? I am really happy for him! New very nice feeling. Kind smile from his side. Strange feeling that I am still going to see him in the future. Weird.
  84. PAST is still coming back, but in another form. A sweet, kind man. How many years there were? 5 since I met him? My hero. My healer. Love this guy. Let’s meet him.
  85. Amazing evening. Great, deep conversation.
  86. What the hell? Am I falling in love with him?
  87. Both talking about that. Both having the weird feeling that this is not going anywhere though. Just another karmic door of the past that the Universe is closing?
  88. Wishing each other all the best with love and kindness in our journeys.
  89. WOW….I am indeed a better person. I can actually let a guy go while I still love him. Amazing feeling. So proud of myself.
  90. Chapter closed. Moving on with my life. Life is beautiful. I am so in love with myself and my life.
  91. PAST still wants to come back, but not in a healthy way…exes blocked in their own process of healing, not recognizing the negative path they are on, chasing, stalking, sending messages to me. So FUCKING ANNOYING. Sorry dudes. You have to deal with your own demons. GO FUCKING DO THAT AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! FREAKS!!
  92. The sun is shining again. Feeling happy.
  93. Seeing HIM again. No words exchanged this time. He didn’t look well. Getting worried and stressed out. Getting ill. Long recovery.
  94. How do I fix the problem with HIM? What is this strange connection that I still feel with him. What is the purpose?
  95. Getting angry of being so weak. How do I get back my balance?
  96. Repeat the cycle of healing.
  97. Silence
  98. Finally making the decision which I was afraid to make: LETTING HIM GO. I can do this. I am much healthier and stronger now. Sending him thoughts of love and forgiveness. I am doing it. I am really doing it. Nice feeling.
  99. Accepting that “To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
  100. SINGLE and READY TO FALL IN LOVE again. Feeling LOVE. PURE LOVE for life… for the whole world! I AM HAPPY.

Loveheimer 🙂

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The CUTTER and the POLISHER

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“The ability to see the truth into its awful eyes and admit that this is it, your journey has reached its end and yet, your love for him hasn’t…that force you feel inside of your heart, breaking it in thousands of pieces and yet holding it somehow together, stronger than before, giving you the strength to make the final step… kissing him Goodbye, but still having the power to smile at him, so he can leave in peace and ease his soul, even if you feel yours is about to scream…thunders, rain, wind, fire, icy cold storm…all the forces of nature gather all together in your heart, squeezing it like a fist is squeezing the golden sand in a cold, windy autumn day, and you watch powerless how its crystal tiny little stones vanish away knowing that you are never going to be the same again, and yet, somehow you accept that with obedience and patience. You accept the transformation. You accept the new shape life is giving it to your soul. You just accept it.

That’s what I call LOVE!”

The girl with chocolate eyes stopped talking all of the sudden… two small, beautiful crystal tears in the corner of her eyes made me look aside… for some weird reason, I felt as if we were on a top of a snowy mountain, feeling the cold and wind outside and yet, being numb and warm in the same time…I tried to remember when was the last time I saw her so sad. She was just a girl when she let HIM go… 4 maybe 5 years ago…I still see in front of my eyes that day in her car, the sunset, the image with her crying like a baby, in silence, breaking my heart with her pain, not being able to do anything to ease it, but just waiting like an idiot for the moment to go away. I remember what she told me that day: “a woman has her love and her will…” She definitely had both.

“…it almost felt like a dream. Being with him… always kind, always looking at me as if I was the queen of his soul or something… always patient and understanding with my sometimes bad temper… always THERE, despite the distance we sometimes had between us… he just stood there, tall, strong and beautiful like a healthy tree, offering me protection with its branches in my stormy days…he lightened my path and pulled me back from the dark and misery HE put me in. He made me feel alive again with his touch, his tenderness, his warmth and kind heart.”

I was listening to her and started to fidget in my chair… the way she was speaking about this man, made me feel so small and ordinary, thinking that I never had the courage to love a man the way she loved them both. One a dark, but beautiful STRANGER… the other one a brave KNIGHT in a shining armor, protecting her of her own demons and keeping her always light and warm in her heart, away of the dark side that STRANGER dragged her in by force, in a failed attempt to save HIM… She was showing me one more time what an incredible force her heart has to open up in front of love, how vulnerable and yet strong she is… I realized then that during all these last years, her heart was shaping and she endured patiently the sharpness of the sword of a STRANGER’s ego, cutting her deep, hard, but just enough to take away the rough material, form the right ankles and maximize the beauty of the future diamond of her heart, but then again the final polish has been done by her young KNIGHT who she was speaking now about. He was the one who finished the process and made her reflect thousands of different lights of her kind, beautiful soul under the hot sun of summer or cold, white winter weather.

THE CUTTER and THE POLISHER. They were “guilty” for her beauty.

While I was lost in my thoughts, amazed by her strength and courage to be herself all the time, she looked at me and with a childish smile on her face she said: “C’mon! Enough about men! Let’s check that movie… Sam Heughan and caramel popcorn…hmm!!…can we really ask for more?”

With love and longing,

Loveheimer

SEX heals?

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Ride that horse, honey!

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—to whom it might concern—

I am being very often told that I am too wild and strong for a man to handle. Some use the word “crazy”. Don’t know exactly what they mean by that, but I’m always taking it as a compliment.

People also seem to be very worried for me. Especially the male gender. They say it’s out of love. I’d say it’s out of a freaking line. One small example? I get alarming messages in the heart of the night which sound like “OMG, girl! You know what I was thinking? You are 37 years old and you are still alone, you still have no husband… just saying… you know…. in case you look for one” and I am like “Dude! It’s freaking midnight, I am looking to have a good night sleep now, not a damn husband!! And by the way, just so you know, I am 36!”

That kind of messages are so annoying lately that I started to meditate and give it a thought… who the hell knows? Maybe the Universe is trying to send me a message and I don’t get it… so… should I really look for a husband?

That being said, let me tell you how it works in my case… and here…I put it in writing for the posterity, therefore there should be no misunderstanding: I love men! I really do! Actually, to be really honest, I love to love men. With passion and devotion. I love and take them just as they are. I loved every single man the Universe gave me the chance to connect with in a meaningful way. No exception. Some were fun, some were damn hot, some were smart, some were kind, some were deep, some were beautiful, some were very passionate, some were a beautiful mix of some of all these qualities… and so on… If I choose a man to live a sort of experience with him and if he accepts to take that journey with me, I fall in love with the speed of light with him. No exception. It’s a matter of a seconds… a moment… a click…and buum….I am his…IN THAT particular moment, I am his.

After that particular moment, after the chemistry gets its rest, I usually find myself in the position where I should jump and choose love FOR and TOGETHER with them. But in 99% of the cases I don’t choose that. Not anymore! Instead I start thinking. Why? Well it’s definitely not because I am not willing to open my heart for them. Not because I am afraid. Nope. But because they do. They are so damn scared and freaked out by life generally speaking, that the only thing left to do is to let them go. Pity them, release them and let them go.

Husbands? Cmon! Let’s be honest! Men from my generation are not built to be husbands. Even if some of them embrace that kind of destiny. They are not really prepared for what that is supposed to mean. Failed education? Broken hearts or minds? Have no idea, but in my opinion a real man who wants to be a husband for a woman like me is that one who is brave enough to love and truly dedicate himself, with all his heart to the woman who scares him the most and for whom he has feelings in his mind. That takes such a strength and attractive masculinity that has nothing to do with the mind games which these little boys nowadays are playing, flirting with the idea of being in the husbands’ roles, just to check some boxes in their own development cycle, but when life knocks them down, they hide themselves behind her and cry for help, understanding and emotional support.

This is not marriage. This is not a real husband. This is bullshit! These are little boys, not men. Little princes, not KINGS. For a woman like me this is the key to a freaking lonely life in two and major emotional disasters. And I don’t wanna be rude, but who the fuck wants that?

So honey!? You wanna be a man? You wanna impress a real woman to the core of her mind, body and soul?

Well stop playing, man the fuck up and ride that horse! Simple as that!

by Loveheimer

No face, no name… just thunder…

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“Trust me, you don’t know what you want!”

“Oh, yes, I do! I want you! You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re sexy… I am crazy about you and the entire world could learn about that! I don’t care!!”

“Right!” the girl with chocolate eyes, looked at the man sitting in front of her and she started to smile.

“You are very persistent!”

“Yes, I am!” he replied with a smug look on his face, thinking probably that his answer would please her, would make her give in. Before he even had time to process that thought, she said:

“I don’t like that! It makes you look stupid!”

“Here…pick a card!” she said while still smiling at him. He looked at the deck of cards she was shuffling for quite a while now, then into her eyes and then smiling he picked one card.

“Don’t look at it! Show it to me!”

He did as requested. The moment he showed her his card, she started to smile even more than before. One minute of silence…short enough to give her the opportunity to touch his heart with her childish, smiley, but sensual look, and long enough to make him fussing on his chair, being tempted to check the card himself.

“I SAID don’t look at it!”

The tone of her voice crossed his entire body like a burning fire, making him feel insecure, but in a weird way aroused too… his heart beats increased, and in that moment, he felt a strange desire to touch his lips with his tongue as if he was very thirsty or something… she kept looking into his eyes, but she continued smiling. He couldn’t tell if an angel or a demon was hiding behind that smile, but he seemed not to be able to take his look away from it. The air was getting hot and heavy to breath. Without taking her eyes off his, she touched his right arm with the palm of her hand, slowly going down, pressing easy with her fingers against his very well-defined muscles. He was an attractive man. She stopped a second and then her hand continued its journey, going down until it reached the back of his palm and his fingers. She touched those softly. His hands were perfect. His skin was so masculine. She stopped smiling. Instead, her lips  met one another…while still looking into his beautiful, blue eyes, she opened her mouth easy, she bitten her lower lip and started to smile again… that sensual gesture of hers made him smile too… she leaned her body a little bit closer to him, closer to his mouth, and then as if she was trying to feel the smell of his perfume, she rubbed gently her nose against his left chick. Her mouth reached his left ear. Feeling her breath in his ear, made him fidget in his chair. He wanted to touch her back with his right hand, to pull her closer to him, but he was still holding the card and her hand was on his. He decided then very fast to move his left hand, but before he had any chance to touch her back as intended, she said:

“FOOL! IT’S THE FOOL CARD!”

The sound of her loud voice came as a thunder in his ear, making him to get off his chair and take a step back while he was scratching his itchy ear.

She started to laugh, took a last sip of her red Martini and then she said:

“Sorry, dude… I don’t do FOOLS… just KINGS!” She smiled naughty and left.

The sky was blue. It was a nice, sunny day of November.

by Loveheimer